Thursday, June 4, 2009

Failure To Thrive

I remember once when I was just on the cusp of teen-dom I got invited to a party. It was a party of all girls, but it was the first time I had been included with a particular group of what I deemed popular girls and I was very excited. I felt like I had climbed a rung on the social ladder.

This time in my life coincided with a blossoming awareness of my appearance. I had been fairly unconcerned with it up to this point, but I was coming to realize that a little lip gloss, a pair of earrings and some curl to my blunt-edged hair made a difference to how I was perceived.

So this was the night, a culmination of my sudden recent spurts of "growing up." I got all dolled up and remember curling my hair with marked excitement. Doors were opening, oh yes. I even put on mascara.

My mom had told me I could use the curling iron on the condition that I turned it off when I was done. Sure, Mom. Whatever you say.

I walked to the party, about 6 blocks away. Sure enough, there were all the popular girls and, to my smug delight, they didn't seem surprised that I would be there and I was quickly accepted into the heart of the conversation.

We did tweeny things. Talked about boys. A lot. Ate Twizzlers and Doritos. Gushed about each others clothes. It was pure heaven, with a strong current of laughter throughout.

Then my mom called. I had left the curling iron on. She wanted me to come home and turn it off. "Mom!" I protested. "Can't you just do it?"

I was informed we had made a deal. Apparently I had a lesson to learn. I could come home and turn off the iron and then return to the party or she was going to take me home to stay. Something about being reliable.

Feeling extremely mistreated I scuttled home, my curls bouncing all the way. I didn't even speak to my mother as I made a great show of flipping the tiny switch on the curling iron and heading back out the door.

By the time I returned to the party my curls were falling pretty flat. So was the party. A couple of girls had gone home. Everyone else was watching a movie that I had missed the first several minutes of and my return was barely acknowledged.

It just wasn't the same after I got back.


This time it wasn't a curling iron. It was a plain miserable cross-country move and then an even more miserable pregnancy.

Have I changed? Or did everybody else just shift without me?

I came back to Hoodie land and the party just wasn't here anymore. I know my efforts at reconnecting have been feeble, but having a Kindergartner, a three-year old Energizer Bunny and brand new baby have left me feeling less enthusiastic about anything but my shower and a pillow.

I guess I have changed a little.

So. Umm. I'm not really throwing in the towel. I'll still check in on y'all now and then, but I'm not going to feel guilty about not posting anymore. Sorry to the people who check in now and then. Both of you.

Keep on living the dream, my friends. Sorry I had to leave the party.


Liane Spicer said...

Beautifully written post, Hoodie, with a lesson I'll try to remember. The connections we make online are terribly tenuous, apparently. Strong, but fragile.

A lot has changed in your life, and probably in the lives of some of your other connections. You'll forge new bonds, deeper understandings, grow in new directions and be stronger and better than ever.

Hoodie said...

Thanks Liane, for helping me gain some perspective. We are creatures who evolve, no matter how much it may feel we are stuck and not moving forward.

Anonymous said...

Thanks for the comment on my blog.

Great post. Things do change. Just do what makes you feel happy. I've probably thrown in the towel on my blog a dozen times since I started it, but I always come back.

JR's Thumbprints said...

You can't give up now. This is an extremely well written piece with a powerful voice.

SzélsőFa said...

Wow, Hoodie - first of all, thank you for the insight and for the perfect back-up story with the curling iron. (btw: I think you just had a great mother - but that's not the point now)
Also, detto to what JR's Thumbprints wrote.

But it's your blog and your way of living.
I think personal connections matter over anything else, and you should stick to those who are important for you and for whom you are an important person.
I'm just a fellow blogger, I know. If blogging does not suit you anymore, you can just quit blogging. You have a great voice and you will find many other ways to express yourself in writing.
We all change and not all elements of our material and/or virtual world are important enough to let them confine our development and or attachment to the loved ones.
But some elements however, are there for us for purpose. One just have to put up with them and stay alive anyhow.
The most important and difficult thing is to decide whether an element belongs to the former (neglectable) or to the latter (must have/must suffer with) category.
Your life, your choice.

Be well my friend,