Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Public Enema No.1

***Yes, this is actually a post about my first experience with an enema***
***Gentle Reader, proceed at your own risk***
I took a completely unintentional hiatus there, but assure you that I'm alive and kicking (well, something's kicking). The fog of first trimester nausea, while not gone, has begun to lift so that I may once again view the world around me. I will tell you - It has sucked. I also regret having missed one of Jason's contests. Next time. Next time.
I had a milestone experience over the weekend. We were visiting family and I was so excited to be somewhere other than my couch for the first time in months. But while the social outlet was finally flowing, something else was not. Without my realizing it, four factors had come into play at once-
1. I'm pregnant, ere go, I'm constipated.
2. The anti-nausea medication I take also makes me constipated.
3. I had run out of the fiber pills I'd been taking daily, not realizing just how much good they must have doing me.
4. I had resumed taking prenatal vitamins since the waning nausea helped me keep them down. I'd forgotten they're packed full of iron, which, unfortunately, can cause constipation.
Since being a little backed up has been been a fact of life for the past few months, I did have some suppositories on hand for times of extreme cloggedness. But they were at my house over the weekend. 100 miles away.
Saturday I started counting-1..2.. hey it's been at least four days since I've had any BM action. No wonder I don't feel so good down there. So I decided to just try. And try I did. For a very long time. After 30 minutes all I had succeeded in producing was red toilet paper. But now I was feeling very dire. I'd got the thing to the door and it was staying there. I needed help. Right away. I sent DH to the grocery store. "No laxatives, no suppositories. I need an enema."
Minutes later, product in hand, I headed to the bathroom. I wasn't scared until I read the directions. The illustrations alone were enough to keep a 12 year old boy cackling for days. But I diligently followed the guidelines and waited until "the urge to evacuate was strong." This did not take long. Less than a minute.
What happened next, well, it was excruciating. I was already sore from previous attempts, but this was no joke. I was in it. Gut wrenching spasms had me panting and clenching. And then, Augustus Gloop was stuck in the chamber, the pressure building, building, building behind him. It was so painful. And then he was set free. Voila. I'd given birth to a soup can.
I can say that the only thing more traumatic that has ever happened to my nether regions was actual childbirth. My poor muscles hurt for hours. It was awful.
Lesson learned. Take the fiber. Take the fiber. Take the fiber.

6 comments:

briliantdonkey said...

no shit! as in no way!!!

or is it

no shit??? as in 'your kidding!'

sorry it was the only response I could possibly come up with.

Hope you are feeling better.

your fellow ghost in the blogosphere. aka BD

briliantdonkey said...

lol, actually i guess my little icon there has never seemed quite so apropos of a situation.

BD

SzélsőFa said...

OMG ?!
I never had a constipation that serious, but I feel sorry for you.
I hope it gets better:)
It must be very hard to get those bowels working when one's laying tired from nausea and vomiting - one'd need to walk and exercise a lot, but one just can't move, it must be really hard. Oh.

Absolute Vanilla (& Atyllah) said...

First of all - Congratulations and then... Oh you poor thing!!!

You do realise, of course, that having publicly, um, aired and shared this moment, every soul who has a bowel disorder will now feel they can talk to you with great comfort about their own bottom problems!

Ask me, I know all too well and have some dinner party conversations (some of which have been hilarious - ask me one day about the little old lady and the barium enema...) where I've really wanted to say, "whoa! more information than I need!"

Now be a good girl and take your fibre! ;-)

jason evans said...

My God.

At least you're keeping you sense of humor.

Be well, Hoodie. :)

Jamie Ford said...

Wow--not as graphic as I'd imagined.

I went to an open mic night once and a woman read from her memoir of traveling through Thailand, specifically, the part where she received an enema to cleanse herself of a parasite. Totally (and strangely) TMI.

Glad you're feeling better!