Monday, August 6, 2007

Just Another Man

Since I've been in the flash fiction mood, I thought I'd share another piece.

Just Another Man

She knew she couldn’t stop what was happening to her, that fighting it would make it worse. With contempt, she stared up at the face looming above her. Bastard. How could you do this to me. She could see the pleasure in his face and fought the urge to spit on it. Let it happen, she thought. Don’t think about it. The pain between her legs seared like fire as the force came in its steady rhythm. She’d heard other women talk of this, seen how it had changed them. She couldn’t have imagined it might hurt like this.

As she lay on her back, helpless, it seemed it would never end. His hand was in her hair, on her face. She wanted to bite the damn thing off. She felt skin ripping and a scream tore its way from her lungs. No woman should have to go through this. She wept at her own powerlessness.

He looked right in her eyes. “It’ll be over soon,” he had the nerve to say. Shut up shut up shut up you son of a bitch. If you ever touch me again, I swear I’ll kill you.

The pain heightened, but she sensed it might be over soon. She closed her eyes, willing the end to come. Another scream was pulled from her devastated body, one that did not sound like her. Finally, it was done. Stillness returned as her tense muscles began to relax, but she could still hear the screams. She opened her eyes to see tears running down the man’s face.

“He’s so beautiful,” he said. “You did it, babe. We have a son.”
Thanks to Jason at Clarity of Night for hosting such a great contest. The winners were well-deserving and it was all great fun.
Vocabulary Word of the Day:
CAROM - noun - A collision followed by a rebound


Hoodie said...

Okay, no matter what I do, I can't seem to get spaces between the bottom few paragraphs. Sorry.

strugglingwriter said...

Hah! You got me. Nice twist.

SzélsőFa said...

Oh - what a twist at the end.
Thanks God none of my kids were born with me feeling like the protagonist.
But I imagine there are woman who go through these feelings.

Hoodie said...

Struggling - Thanks. Nice of you to drop in.

Szelsofa - Thankfully that's not how I felt either! :)

Jaye Wells said...

You're tricky. Great sleight of hand.

The Quoibler said...

That was quite a twist! Loved it!

And I didn't really experience that, either. I had an epidural which dulled the pain just enough for me not to scream.

Of course, my son (who had colic for about 9 months) did enough shrieking for about a baker's dozen of pregnant women!


Hoodie said...

Jaye - Thanks

Angelique - I've never had a baby with colic, but I think I'd rather have a horrid labor. At least that last a relatively short time.

Anonymous said...

You got me on hook too! I was totally fooled.

You have a great sense of pacing and story delivery. You are already a strong writer.

I think you're looking for direct writing support on your blog, so I'll offer a thought in that spirit of respect for your writing. I think there's power in spacing. It can create those little pauses in time which mimic the real experience you're building for us. In that vein, if it were me, I break this up into shorter paragraphs in an effort to match the timing of the action.

I thought the writing was really strong. My only small comment in that regard would be to make sure you are relying on the action to communicate tension. A sentence like: Another scream was pulled from her devastated body, one that did not sound like her, sounds a bit detatched. Things like that can lift me away from the immediacy.

Hoodie said...

Thank you, Jason.
Your constructive comments are very helpful.