Postitude

I'm writing this post just to prove I'm still alive (barely). Bear with me; things will pick up later. NaNoWriMo progress is all but nonexistent because I've just been busy busy busy.

I was able to get my entry into Jason's contest in under the wire (#44) even though I had to stay up through the night to find time to write it.

Health update: I had an EKG done and there is a slight abnormality in my left ventricle(?). Why did I have an EKG? Because my doctor was concerned about my abnormally high heart rate, resting and otherwise. Anyway, he says the most probable reason I'm not losing weight is because I'm working out TOO HARD! Im burning carbs instead of fat, which leaves me starving so I'm eating more too. Who'd have thought? The guys on the exercise videos, on Oprah, in the magazines say that you should always push yourself. Pushing myself generally keeps my heartrate in the high 170s and low 180s. Turns out I need to be in the low 150s or lower to be in the fat burning zone. At the gym today I watched my heartrate closely. Averaging about 156 I felt like I was barely moving. In 45 minutes I hadn't even really begun to sweat. Anyway, my doctor wants to do a heart ultrasound, which involves doing a resting heartrate ultrasound, then putting me on a treadmill at a sprint and then doing another ultrasound. If indeed the muscle around the left side of my heart is abnormally large I may need to take medication. I'm not sure. It's nothing to be worried about, that I know. Just a possible explanation for things I've always wondered about.

Anyway, Kudos to all of you who entered Jason's contest. I was honestly being as objective as possible, yet Szelsofa, Angelique and Beth all managed one of my votes. You blew me away, ladies! I have talented buddies. I wasn't even paying attention to who wrote them when I decided favorites. Aside from the five I voted for, there were four others that I wish I could have.

We're visiting family for Thanksgiving, so if I don't post, HAVE A GREAT HOLIDAY, Y'ALL!

And P.S. to those of you who commented about exercising at home. Sounds great, but my kids don't let me do it much. I actually do it whenever possible, but it's not a feasible solution for all my exercise needs.

Climbing the Wall

Thank you so much to everyone for commenting on my last post. I appreciate the words of encouragement, advice and validation. I'm doing okay today, even though my concerns still stand.

As for my weight loss, I saw my doctor yesterday who had done blood tests last week. There are some abnormalities with my red blood cells and my output of thyroid chemicals. He said that these things could cause tiredness and difference in metabolism and that without doing another blood test he couldn't rule out anemia. It is comforting to know that there may actually be a cause for the changes in my body, so I'm taking some supplements now and hope some areas will improve.

He also prescribed 1 hour of exercise a day, seven days a week, including yoga, pilates, and strength training to help manage my mood. I would love to be able to do this, and I'm trying to find a gym that will make it possible, but we don't have $140 extra dollars a month to fork out in Health Club fees (that's how much it costs to join the one my doctor suggested). I'll keep looking.

As far as the piano thing goes, I'm going to go ahead and do it. One commenter suggested that I've probably done it before and truthfully I have not. I have sung many times in front of many congregations, and I also lead our church choir. I think there were church members who kind of assumed that since I could do those things I probably played the piano well. Whatever the case, I told them from the beginning what my abilities were and they have been supportive. Even though I'd like to accompany the kids flawlessly, I'm learning to accept that it will be what it will be and I'll do well enough. It's just a little nerve wracking.

As for NaNoWriMo, I will push on. Truth be told I haven't even reached the part of the story where anything exciting happens, so I'm just going to start writing that part. I really wanted to write it chronologically, which is why there are so many bad parts because I was just putting stuff down trying to get my main character into position for the exciting things to happen. I will be able to rewrite much of what I have already written later and condense it considerably. If it has accomplished anything, it has served to flesh out background details in my own mind. Thank you, blog friends, for letting me know it is appropriate to be frustrated and that writing a novel really is hard. It helps me not feel like such a wuss.

I read each of your comments several times and cannot tell you how much your words mean to me. They have helped me achieve perspective and to feel valued.

I even had a big long talk with my husband and he seems much more supportive now.

Love to all. Thank you.

The Wall

I'm going to try to write this post without sounding like a crazy person. I really would like to think of myself as a non-crazy person, but sometimes I feel like that status is severely challenged.

I've hit a wall. A big one. Lots of walls all lined up to make one big wall.

Two months ago I decided I was going to do something about the weight I'd inexplicably gained over the summer. I was already exercising regularly, but it was time for a major overhaul. I have religiously worked out daily, dieting the best I can (with only a few Halloween flubs). If anything, I can say my clothes are tighter and my flab is flabbier. Really great for the motivation. Wall number one.

In August I was asked by people at my church to play the piano for the children's program happening this coming Sunday. Even though I'm not a terrific pianist, I was given eight songs to learn which I have practiced regularly and while vast improvements have been made, I'm still seriously screwing up these songs. I'm terrified to accompany the children in front of my whole church's congregation. I feel like I could practice for forever and I will still suck. Wall number two.

I've been so looking forward to NaNoWriMo. It was my chance to give up all excuses about becoming a novelist and just go for it. I pictured it being exhilarating and I have really committed to the process. Right now my word count stands at 8,246 words. I had my husband read it back to me today and realized that even though I had given myself permission to write crap, I didn't really expect it all to actually be crap. Rationally I can realize that this is a process and that only by experience will I get any better. Emotionally, I feel like a big fat joke. My 8k words are pretty boring. I'm realizing my story must not be starting in the right place. And I'm not scrapping my 8k yet because I need that word count. But, alas, here I am, eye to brick with wall number three.

I realize that these things are pretty inconsequential in the grand scheme of things. But I can't help the feeling that no matter how strong an effort I give something I'm bound to fail. Little successes can do wonders for the ego. No success at all makes me wonder why I even try.

I know how whiny it sounds. Just writing it makes me want to puke. But I'm feeling so totally alone right now and I'm desperate for encouragement from any voice at all. I tried to tell my husband how I was feeling, but he was asleep before I even finished my sentence. He is not an insensitive man, he just doesn't get the magnitude of my feelings. In general I feel things quite strongly, so he seems, unfortunately, desensitized.

I apologize for my gush of self indulgence. But it was either this or find a sharp object and make myself bleed. And that folks, really does make me sound like a crazy person. God help me.

Nano - The journey begins

It's 10:30 PM and I've got to go to bed. After a rough night last night I don't have the stamina to stay up and write liked I'd originally planned. The end of my first day of NaNoWriMo finds me with 2,270 words and four revelations:

1. I am such a NOVICE! I can recognize so many flaws.
2. When forced to just write without continually going back and editing I find I have a horrible habit of much more tell than show, not what I would have guessed my greatest weakness to be. There is much revision to be done.
3. Good characterization is hard. Heck, bad characterization takes effort.
4. Despite my abundance of inadequacy, I like doing this.

My first chapter didn't pan out the way I had envisioned it, but we'll see what happens. I can tell you that I won't be giving up and that I'm excited to see my writing improve. Writing big long stuff is different than writing little short stuff.

To bed, to bed.

Naughty Girl/NaNo Freak Out/Serious Rant

I've not done right by those who visit me, which probably means my limited readership has dropped even further, to my chagrine, but such is life. We've been playing duck duck goose with a nasty cold and I got goosed. Plus we've had all the frivolties of Halloween to deal with and hear it is the day of and I still haven't carved the pumpkin. Oh well.



At the forefront of my mind is the fact that NaNoWriMo starts tomorrow! I felt like at the first of the month I was so gung ho that by the time November rolled around I'd feel ready. I am comforted by the fact that some people are doing this from scratch, no plot, no characters, nothing; at least I'm ahead of them, but I'm daunted, no doubt about it. I've got about 7 chapters loosely outlined, which I'm hoping will lay out the path for the rest of the book to follow. We'll see. I'm excited and nervous. I'll be sure to give regular updates of my progress and possible excerpts if I find something on the page other than drivel. If there is anyone within eyesight of this post who is participating this year, feel free to buddy me. I'm needy. My name over there is HoodieWriter.



And for those of you who like a good rant, I've prepared one especially for you. I am disgusted with the dominating practice in our society to let the few determine the rules for the majority. If people could start worrying a little bit more about fixing problems instead of spending all of their time blaming others for them we may not have this problem. Let me explain what I'm talking about.



We went to buy shoes for my daughter a few weeks ago. We've really been trying to stay within a budget, so price was the number factor, but I also wanted something cute and practical. We absolutely HAD to buy shoes. She had only one pair of flip flops she was fitting into and it was starting to get cold. Every store we visited either was out of her size of the shoes we liked or was way out of our price range. It was becoming quite a frustrating process. Finally, at PayLess we found one pair that seemed perfect for our needs and had been significantly marked down. I literally whooped for joy. With a triumphant grin I took the shoes to the register where I was told there had been a recall on the shoes and she couldn't sell them to me. I was so irritated. There those great shoes sat, never to be worn, because a little rivet or shoelace or rubber piece or something fell off a shoe somewhere. I was tempted to just steal them. We live in such a blame/sue-happy society companies take ridiculous efforts in keeping themselves from lawsuits. Your kid found a piece of a toy and choked on it? SUE THE TOY COMPANY!



More examples that just make my ears steam? My sister's OB/GYN, whom she adored, had to quit his practice due to unaffordable malpractice insurance. Your baby wasn't born perfect? SUE YOUR DOCTOR! They took the hand sanitizer out of the kids room at my gym because some lady said that she read of a case where a kid had continually pumped it on his hands and licked it off, making him sick. So on the weird chance some kid might lick sanitizer, LET'S NOT PROVIDE IT FOR ANYONE! I grew up in a very conservative community where most people were religious. One girl complained, though she was in no way forced to participate, that a group prayer had offended her, so prayer was banned at all functions. TO SAVE "OFFENDING" THE ONE, LET'S OFFEND THE MAJORITY! Now, because of the irresponsible use of children's cold medicine, they won't sell it to the rest of us. SORRY KIDS, YOU'LL JUST HAVE TO SUFFER THROUGH IT.



Are people getting hurt less? Sick less? Are all these bans and recalls and lawsuits helping? I, personally, don't think so. I think the only thing we're accomplishing is training people to take no responsibility for their own mistakes and stupidity but to look for a way to blame/punish someone else for it. Aarrggh.



I know this encompasses some sensitive, controversial topics. Perhaps my views don't fall within those determined most popular, but GOOD GRIEF PEOPLE!



No Vocab today.

I urge you all to indulge in some sugary treats, the real reason for Halloween.

Awakenings

When I was 18 I was part of a national choir that toured Europe for a month. I was able to visit, however hastily, some of the most famed and beloved cities in Germany, Austria, Italy, Switzerland and France. It was a whirlwind experience - friendships, crushes, music, travel and so many new people, sites, sounds, and places I was barely able to absorb them. Not surprisingly it was an emotionally charged month. Up until that time I had never really left the western U.S. and had associated almost entirely with conservative people who shared most of my beliefs. It was the first time I really tasted what life outside of my small town was like. My best friends on the trip were from Connecticut, New Jersey, New York and Maine. I was definitely the anomaly in our little group. That month it felt as if I were somehow able to open my eyes wider than I ever had before, that a new section of my mind opened up.

I considered myself a fairly cultured teenager. I had a strong appreciation of music, a love of literature and a fairly basic knowledge of art. I liked pretty pictures just as much as the next person.

In Paris we went to the Pompidou Museum. I saw all kinds of art there. Some was beautiful, some confusing and some, in my opinion, kind of stupid. But as we were browsing the gift shop I came across a 5x7 print by Francine Van Hove.

Something about this piece struck me in a way art had never done. I had always turned my virgin eye away from nudes, wondering if they were not just an excuse to exhibit images that were erotic. But I loved this picture right away. There was something so raw, simple and real about it that I was taken by its beauty. The woman seemed somehow strong and vulnerable at the same time. I bought the little print and stared at it in long stretches and something opened up inside of me. I wanted to be able to make people feel the way Van Hove had made me feel. I mourned that I was not an artist.

I found my little print the other day and my appreciation for it is still strong, though now it means different things to me. I realized, also, that I don't have to be able to draw to be an artist. My goal as a writer is make people feel. I may be a long way off from doing that effectively, but in the end that is my motivation.

What gets you excited about your craft?

Vocabulary Word of the Day:

NON SEQUITUR - noun - A statement that does not follow logically from what preceded it.

One Serious Meme

Thanks to Beth at Perfect Neurotic who likes me well enough to even think of me when trying to figure out who to tag for this next meme. The purpose of this, as I understand it, is to increase the exposure of your blog by linking your favorite three posts into the meme. Since this blog is still in its infancy my choices are not as difficult to make as they have been for others, but it also means I have a smaller quality margin to work within. There is so much of my genius still unblogged!

Anyway here are the official rules and the link progression. Everyone read, read, read!

"This seo meme was conceived and designed by Bobby at Revellian .com. This is a new fun seo meme ride for us all. This is based on the seo theory that links to posts inside your blog are more important than links to your home page. I have selected three posts I want to promote along with my site’s name. You will do the same thing. Let’s keep it simple and spread our good work around to both share and build some ratings!Make sure you pick three posts that you feel are your best. You could also select 3 posts you simply want to promote. Your site name is listed with your 3 selected posts beneath. Once you have your post up: Add the sites and post links of the folks you tagged onto your post. Try to add the site and post links to anyone involved to maximize the effectiveness. Tag a minimum of 5 people. Try your best not to double tag people so it will spread better! Please actually read the posts from everyone so you can see some really good work from our beloved blogging friends! Make your title a little different from mine to avoid repetitive titles."

Revellian dot com - SEO Keywords For Beginners, Content: The Kings Illegitimate Stepchild, Tales of Blogger-X Illusion

Mariuca - Wishing On A Falling Star - Love In Disarray, In Love With A Dream, The Good Client

Mariuca’s Perfume Gallery - Perfume Shopping Spree, Defining Beauty, In Full Splendour

Speedcat Hollydale Page - Rocket Boy in Hawaii - DC9, Speedcat’s Death Ride into Terror!, The Boy Inside All Men

Terri Terri Quite Contrary - Just How Immature Are We?, Finding a Voice, So Much More to See than the Game

Mahala - Uncle Huberts Custom Cows, Pray for the Child at Big Lots, The Legend of Saushie's Crotch

Tiff - How am I like Ron Weasley, A Social Experiment, Absolutely Boring Entry 101

Cosmic Cat - Just An Ordinary Thursday Night..., Not Gone With The Wind. Just Gone., The "Weekly Thoughtful Reminder" And Other Hazards Of Working

Field Lines - Even MIT Girls Get the Blues, Bye Bye, Friend, Bad Hair Day

The Perfect Neurotic - The Sticker, The Last American Virgin, Aunt Ellie, Come Get Your Ass

Tales From The Hoodie - Experience, Shoes, Literally, This is Killing Me

Okay, I really hope I did that right. I'm always nervous about tagging people, so I'm giving everyone I tag an out. If you've already been tagged or you plain just don't want to do it, you are exempt.

So, Church Lady, Brilliant Donkey and Struggling Writer, the choice is yours.


Vocabulary Word of the Day:
ESOTERIC - adj. - Meant for or understood by only a specific group